Happy In Bag

Suburban Sunset

2012-01-26T16:55:00.001-06:00

Sanctified strip mall, January 25, 2012.

Taupe the Dope

2012-01-20T10:35:00.002-06:00

April may be the cruelest month, but January in these parts is the bleakest time of year. Even when the sun manages to break through the barrier of steely gray clouds it only illuminates cheerless earth tones that offer little inspiration. I'd like to think that my drab Kansas homeland builds character. I wonder instead if it only hardens my heart and constrains my imagination.

Oh Buck!

2012-01-12T10:50:00.002-06:00

The presence of a small herd of deer thrilled me during a recent hike on a solitary trail. I was amused by the skittish creatures' failed attempts to allude me until I encountered copious amounts of blood splattered across the path. A panicked deer must have cut itself. Why didn't it realize that I didn't have a gun or bow?

Paris of the Plains

2012-01-07T12:15:00.000-06:00

That sh*t cray.

You're Welcome

2012-01-03T10:34:00.003-06:00

Recent reports that Kanzi, the remarkable ape in Iowa, creates fires in order to prepare tastier food, has left some people rattled. I'm not worried about my simian friends. It's the fiends in the trees that frighten me. I recently spotted a squirrel attempting to tote a cup up a tree. The daemon dropped the object when I produced a camera. I doubtless foiled a nefarious plot against humanity.

Taco Trouble

2011-12-29T13:37:00.002-06:00

The line extended into the parking lot during the lunch hour at Taco Via today. Was the restaurant's new location at the northwest corner of 95th and Antioch offering free food? Nope- it was serving up an uninspired version of Tex-Mex that's only marginally superior to Taco Bell. People seem to love it. It's a mystery to me.

Invitation

2011-12-12T08:09:00.002-06:00

I watched two attractive women saunter into a rock club last night. Disappointed that a jazz band was on stage, they almost immediately turned heel and scurried out the door. Your haggard correspondent was in his element. I'm elated that the mercurial saxophonist Logan Richardson is back in town. Even though I've been to jazz events on four consecutive nights, I intend to catch Richardson again this evening (Monday, December 12) at the Blue Room. There's no cover and the music starts between 7-8 p.m. Feel free to buy me a drink as we listen to some next-level stuff together.

It Begins at Home

2011-11-28T08:22:00.003-06:00

Citing Henry Bloch, the Kempers and the Kauffmans, my frenemy at Tony's Kansas City recently noted that "Kansas City loves the 1%." It's an insightful an entirely accurate observation. While I still have to stifle an adolescent urge to key luxury cars with price tags of over $50,000, I venerate the incredibly wealthy people who have invested portions of their time and fortunes into improving the quality of life within our community.

Pupusa

2011-11-10T17:23:00.002-06:00

During my first visit to a new Salvadoran restaurant in downtown Overland Park I considered asking for a job application. I loved the food and staff of El Salvadoreno so much that I longed to spend all my time in the homey establishment. Entirely unfamiliar to me, the cuisine possesses inexplicable healing properties.

Getting My Goat

2011-11-07T11:20:00.003-06:00

My refrigerator is filled with goat milk. A goat farmer peddles his wares out of a truck on a residential street in a midtown neighborhood every Saturday morning. A member of my compound consumes his milk, cheese and chicken eggs as if they were manna from heaven. I don't particularly care for the stuff.

Temperate Tacos

2011-10-28T13:40:00.003-05:00

Poncho's isn't just for 2 a.m. I once thought of the midtown greasy spoon exclusively as a late-night destination. Just because I no longer live that lifestyle doesn't mean that I quit frequenting Poncho's. I now hit it on my way to music venues rather than using it as a post-party refuge. The sole downside is the telltale signs of grease and salsa on my pants and shirt. It's as messy as it delicious.

Deli Counter

2011-10-24T13:42:00.003-05:00

Posted without commentary.

Occupy This

2011-10-18T17:37:00.006-05:00

I spotted an older man dumpster diving as I left an Aldi grocery store in the heart of Johnson County this evening. For real.

Downhill

2011-10-14T12:23:00.004-05:00

The hand-wringing about allegedly limited parking for events at the new Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts mystifies me. Does walking a few blocks really present such a challenge? My usual strategy is to park around 17th and Summit and hope that Los Alamos is open. I prefer the modest market to the nearby fashionable restaurants. And it's a mere five-minute walk to Kauffman. You're welcome.

Smoke Rings

2011-10-11T10:31:00.002-05:00

I haven't ~~enjoyed~~ smoked a cigarette in over twenty years. I ~~still think about it every day~~ don't miss it at all.

You'r Wrong About Johnson County!!!

2011-10-04T13:59:00.002-05:00

Most weekdays I buy lunch at a grocery store across the street from my new office in central Johnson County. The "golden ghetto" appellation that's amusingly applied to the sprawling southwestern suburbs of Kansas City is all too accurate. There are plenty of places in Johnson County where it's possible to get run down by a fur-clad woman driving a $50,000 Mercedes. The parking lot of my grocery store isn't one of them. Vision cards and lines of anxious people at bill-paying services are the norm. I'd like to mock the punctuation-challenged staff, but the grim setting makes it difficult to laugh.

Batty

2011-10-03T12:04:00.002-05:00

One of the coolest tourist attractions in Austin, Texas, is the bat colony under Congress Bridge. This drab underpass in Prairie Village isn't nearly as appealing, but it does host a handful of flying mammals. I propose that the community add nightly summer watch parties to its unremitting public works projects.

That's How Easy Love Can Be

2011-09-08T15:10:00.003-05:00

In spite of the all-too-obvious headline of this post, I don't really love ABC Cafe in Overland Park. It's one of those "authentic" Chinese restaurants that seems capable of producing incredible food, but is unwilling to deliver it to the uninitiated diner's table. Does anyone know the secret password?

Parallel Parking

2011-09-06T16:13:00.003-05:00

Have you ever seen that jerk hiking into the Truman Sports Complex? That's me. I am constitutionally incapable of paying for parking. I'd rather walk three miles than pay $27 for the privilege of parking at an Arrowhead Stadium event. I also park outside of Swope Park when I attend concerts at Starlight Theater. One of these days something bad is going to go down. Until then, I'll have a few extra dollars in my pocket.

LeRoi Johnson

2011-08-30T19:53:00.007-05:00

Years before LeRoi Johnson became my boss, I bought records from him at Pennylane in Westport. He was far from my favorite guy at the store at the time- my taste in music aligned much more closely with LeRoi's more cordial colleagues including Dwight Frizzell and Saul Tucker. Although I later learned how sweet he was beneath his gruff exterior, LeRoi could sometimes be a real drag.

He taught me many valuable lessons when I went to work for him in the late '80s. LeRoi once overheard me mocking then-popular New Age music. In a stern lecture that left me a little rattled, he explained that the guy who'd just purchased the latest Windham Hill product might derive as much pleasure from a George Winston album as I received from Public Enemy. That's stuck with me. Some of the lessons he taught me were unintentional. Witnessing LeRoi's self-destructive tendencies reminded me that I didn't want to venture too far down that path.

I hadn't been much of a friend to him lately. I visited him at his home a few times and once at Saint Luke's Hospital last year. It's my loss. He had a lot more to teach me.

(LeRoi died yesterday. Scott Wilson's remembrance includes a couple of excellent links.)

Splinters

2011-08-22T10:58:00.004-05:00

It's been a tough August for the area's trees. Some people shed tears when they see an injured cat or dog. I sympathize with trees. This is just one of many cellulose-based life forms that's in a world of pain today.

I Smell Smoke

2011-08-14T13:10:00.009-05:00

My mouth waters whenever I'm near Fiorella's Jack Stack Barbecue restaurant on The Plaza. The tantalizing smell of smoked meats is intoxicating. What tickles my nose, however, doesn't necessarily delight my tongue. I couldn't even finish my lunch plate during a recent visit. It smelled a whole lot better than it tasted.

Performance Anxiety

2011-08-11T13:47:00.005-05:00

I sympathize with ladies who refuse to wait in agonizingly long lines to use the facilities at concerts and sporting events. The idea of impatient women in men's bathrooms doesn't offend me. The reality was a bit more challenging at Kansas Speedway last Saturday night. The only man in a men's bathroom, I became completely unnerved when several uninhibited women sized me up as I attempted to go about my business.

Let Them Eat Cake

2011-08-08T19:31:00.004-05:00

Riots. War. A market meltdown. What do the people of Prairie Village do when the world is falling apart? Eat out, of course! Today I joined throngs of Johnson Countians who were spending money like there's (literally) no tomorrow at a trendy new restaurant. The amusingly-named Urban Table is good, I guess, but I might never be able to afford to eat there again.

I Found My Thrill

2011-07-29T09:40:00.006-05:00

I attended events at Kansas City's best and worst performance spaces last night. The Kauffman Center For the Performing Arts is so striking that "I felt this thrill going up my leg" while I explored the facility. I felt sweat streaming down my leg as I tried to hear a country artist sing "I Love Black People" at the Power & Light District's outdoor stage. As I've noted elsewhere, the space's sonic problems could be dramatically improved if the surrounding bars and restaurants would stop blaring music while performers were on stage. Power & Light had Kauffman beat in one regard last night. The former served cookies and water while the latter offered draft beer.

Benchmark

2011-07-25T11:29:00.002-05:00

The beer and burrito diet isn't working. I've graduated from "Kansas City skinny"™ to just plain fat.

The Golden State

2011-07-22T11:45:00.002-05:00

This is where I belong.

Over the Rainbow

2011-07-18T15:55:00.003-05:00

I'm sunburned. My muscles ache from bicycling and body surfing. My belly holds so much of the Pacific Ocean that I don't have much room for beer. My bed is dusted with sand. Yes, my vacation is off to a perfect start.

Pub Stub

2011-07-12T17:27:00.003-05:00

I don't know if living a full mile from the nearest watering hole is a blessing or a curse. My current suburban office, on the other hand, is surrounded by several alcohol-oriented establishments. I tried a brand new one, McGuire's Tavern on 87th Street, yesterday. The informal joint is refreshingly unambitious. Televisions are tuned to sports channels as hair metal plays in the background. Based on one beer-free meal, the output of the kitchen seems no better or worse that one would reasonably expect of a neighborhood pub in Johnson County. It's too bad I live several miles away.

Peduncle

2011-07-09T11:02:00.004-05:00

I like to think of myself as different from most men. You know- sensitive and stuff. It's not entirely true. Just like most oafs, I only buy flowers under duress. While the very concept irritates me, I don't go about it the normal way. I scoff at the price tags as I enter a floral shop and tell the clerk how much I'm actually willing to spend. The staff usually accommodates me with an armful of flowers.

Strange Intelligence

2011-07-04T17:09:00.002-05:00

The Heart of America Shakespeare Festival isn't perfect. The production values, for instance, aren't exactly to my taste. I loved this year's version of Macbeth all the same. My summer in Kansas City wouldn't be complete without spending a theatrical evening in Southmoreland Park.

Village Idiot

2011-06-28T15:04:00.002-05:00

Presented with 45 minutes of downtime in Mission early this morning, I thought I'd get some reading in over breakfast. Well, there's always McDonalds. Or what about Village Inn? I hadn't been in one for years. Now I remember why. My tab was $10! It's almost impossible to mess up pancakes, eggs and sausage, so my food was fine. I asked my waitress to get this shot of me as I headed to my car to rummage for change.

New Stadium Smell

2011-06-26T08:38:00.003-05:00

I went to a professional soccer game at Livestrong Sporting Park last night. Here are my impressions:

Most American soccer fans are nerds or geeks. (Yeah, I fit right in.)
Telling stat- the line for Dippin' Dots was never less than ten deep for most of the match.
Livestrong should make for a nice concert venue.
Sporting KC gets all the little things right.
Omar Bravo is a more obvious talent than Billy Butler or Matt Cassel. This town should embrace him.

Down On the Farm

2011-06-20T08:07:00.002-05:00

Maybe I've consumed too much processed food. The beets I ate during my first visit to The Farmhouse didn't taste any different than the vegetables I purchase at the grocery store. Everything about my lunch was good but I'd hoped to be overwhelmed with greatness during my meal at the "farm-to-table, tip-to-tail" establishment. A decidedly masculine restaurant, The Farmhouse has the potential to be one of my favorite places in town. I need to give it another go. Who's buying?

When Goslings Attack

2011-06-14T18:22:00.004-05:00

Small ponds are an attractive amenity at many area office parks. I was thwarted from enjoying one of these green spaces yesterday. A flock of geese- necks lowered and mouths hissing- set upon me. Their aggressive pecking didn't cease until I retreated to a car. Next time I'll be forced to pop the trunk.

Snake on a Stick

2011-06-12T15:18:00.003-05:00

Before I briefly tormented this beautiful animal earlier today, I accidentally stepped on it at a park near my home. I don't have a fear of snakes, but being startled by the unexpected hiss and coiling action of a disturbed serpent is always unnerving.

Too Shai

2011-06-09T16:45:00.003-05:00

The cluelessness of the staff at one of my favorite watering holes makes me wonder if any of them have even been inside another bar. They're nice people, but they just don't know how to solicit, prepare, deliver or accept payment on drinks. I was reminded of that music-oriented establishment on my first visit to Chai Shai. Everything's just a little "off." Everything, that is, save the food. It's excellent. And it's so spicy that you'll need quick access to plenty of water. Oh, right- good luck with that.

So Fresh, So Clean

2011-06-04T16:16:00.002-05:00

I fall in love too easily. As I adapt to changing circumstances, I'm quick to see the advantages of each new situation. Recent weeks have found me in the southwestern suburbs of Johnson County. It's not a fashionable thing to admit, but I'm jealous of the people living their lives way out west. The green space, lack of blight and plentiful elbow room are very appealing.

Stalled

2011-05-24T08:49:00.005-05:00

Hungry and hurried, I ate a convenience store sandwich late Sunday night. My digestive system did not take kindly to that decision. Compounding my consternation was the requirement to regularly run to the men's room down the hall at my new day job. Until now, all of my gigs had offered private facilities. The need to conduct urgent and unpleasant business in the company of strangers has required the mastery of a new life skill.

Palace? Please!

2011-05-20T13:26:00.005-05:00

Does this look like a palace to you? India Palace, situated in a dreary Overland Park strip mall, has all the ambiance of a nursing home. It's bleak. The food, however, is delicious. The establishment's vegetable korma is the single best thing I've tasted in the month of May. The price reflects the quality. The lunch buffet, including a token tip but no drink, is $12. It's money well spent.

Decay

2011-05-16T11:39:00.002-05:00

I looked up one day a couple weeks ago and realized that another gig had been added to my bag of tricks. I wasn't looking for additional work. I just kind of fell into it. The new j-o-b has wreaked havoc on my blogging schedule. Regular postings of objectionable material will resume shortly.

Now and Hear

2011-05-08T15:02:00.002-05:00

After visiting the new exhibit at the Leedy-Voulkos gallery and listening to DJ Spooky play music on an outdoor stage during First Friday, I still have no idea what America: Now and Here, Kansas City is all about. Organizers suggest that "...audiences of all ages and walks of life are invited to contribute their own message for America. Here's my message for Happy In Bag readers: I may not understand its premise, but I recognize that America: Now and Here, Kansas City is certainly worthy of your attention.

Triple Bogey

2011-05-06T10:07:00.003-05:00

I've had the good fortune to have frequented several pubs in Britain. I was reminded of those establishments when I recently visited Bogey's, a bar and grill in the Red Bridge area. One would think that a joint in a generic suburban strip mall would be hopelessly bland, but Bogey's succeeds because it doesn't try too hard. Its management, for example, can't even be bothered with a a website. Day-drinkers and neighborhood regulars provide plenty of authentic atmosphere. That's good enough for me.

It Ain't the Meat, It's the Motion

2011-04-28T08:15:00.004-05:00

Although they make for tempting targets, I won't write about gas prices, ethanol subsidies or drivers of black SUVs. Instead, I'll confess that the inflated cost of a tank of gas has yet to significantly alter my driving habits. It's not that I hate the planet or my wallet. The instantaneous change of scenery afforded by a car is my favorite luxury. Knowing that entirely different vantage points are never more than fifteen minutes away is enormously reassuring.

Spiral Staircase

2011-04-22T08:35:00.009-05:00

The view from the Eiffel Tower is breathtaking. The vista it affords is just one of the reasons I loved visiting Paris for the first time last month. As far as I could tell, however, the famous landmark may be the only structure in Paris with an elevator. My bed was a six-floor climb up a spiral staircase. Montmartre looks charming from a distance but it's actually a torturous series of stairs. Spending a day at the Louvre feels like an Iron Man competition. Any one of these challenges wouldn't have posed a problem, but the cumulative toil they took on a ~~chunky~~ "Kansas City skinny" tourist was taxing. I've heard that cigarettes and wine keep Parisians trim. I know better.

Chrome Horses and Diplomats

2011-04-19T11:41:00.004-05:00

I'll invest a Benjamin on a special occasion dinner replete with appetizers and wine once every year or two, yet I've never set foot inside an attractive French restaurant near my home. Its thirty-dollars-an-entree price tag doesn't prevent patrons from packing the establishment most every night. The idea of wealthy people spending money on fine food and wine doesn't bother me. I'm tempted, in fact, to set up shop as a mendicant on the sidewalk outside the eatery.

Anthology of Argentine

2011-04-16T11:54:00.006-05:00

As a youth I spent a few years at a miserable job in the Argentine district. I had neither the time nor the inclination to do much sightseeing back then. I failed to appreciate the enormous mural on Metropolitan Avenue. An image I posted at Plastic Sax provides a better perspective of the scale of Anthology of Argentine. Some elements of the piece are self-explanatory. Others are baffling. Here's the best analysis I could find.

Cock of the Walk

2011-04-12T14:30:00.003-05:00

With all due respect to the Kansas City area's celebrated fried chicken establishments, I recently ate the most delicious chicken imaginable at El Pollo Rey. The smoke lured me in but I subsequently discovered that the joint is not a secret. I believe that the chicken is pressed, slathered in spices and cooked over flames. Oh my. Adding to my pleasure was the price. I paid $8.50 for a half-chicken with condiments, tortillas and two bottled drinks.

Rub It

2011-04-06T12:12:00.003-05:00

What are you looking for as you dine at a restaurant? This fat boy just wants his food. Others, however, apparently want to make new friends. Aladdin Cafe is perfect for that purpose. The exceedingly friendly staff of the Mediterranean establishment wanted to get to know me during a recent visit. Hadn't they heard? I'm antisocial. If I'm ever inclined to ask someone what they're doing after work, however, I know just the place.

Unthinkable

2011-04-05T15:38:00.005-05:00

I can't begin to comprehend such anguish and horror.

Manneken Pis

2011-04-02T16:58:00.005-05:00

What's the essence of Brussels? Beats me. Even after spending three nights in the capital of the European Union, I was never able to get a handle on what the town is all about. The appeal of Brussels' famous beer and chocolate is obvious, but what's up with the obsession with cartoons and a urinating child? Oh, I liked Brussels and its people a lot, yet my recent visit continues to mystify me.

Vincent Was a Hack

2011-03-29T11:07:00.004-05:00

Van Gogh is overrated. That's my highly-trained assessment after spending several eye-reddening hours in a few of Europe's finest museums this month. I don't regret visiting the excellent Van Gogh Museum, but it unintentionally makes a case for the artist as a hapless trend-chaser. The works of Vermeer and Rembrandt, however, repeatedly stopped me in my tracks.

The Guide Book Says It's a Must See

2011-03-27T17:20:00.002-05:00

Taos. Branson. Breckinridge. I've spent miserable days in each of these tourist traps. Although it's hundreds of years older, Bruges is the same type of place. Sure, it's gorgeous, but Bruges is just not my scene. It's not like I didn't try. I boated in the canals, visited the nunnery and laid my hands on the Relic of the Precious Blood. I even climbed all 366 steps of the town's famous belfry. Here's an embarrassing home movie shot shortly before I made the ascent.

The World's Most Expensive Beer

2011-03-26T11:15:00.007-05:00

The two previous posts have been filled with effusive praise of France. Not quite everything about my trip was perfect. Here's my most humiliating Parisian experience. I had about thirty minutes of downtime after visiting the grave of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. I reckoned a quick beer was in order. A waiter at a seemingly modest cafe asked me if I wanted a small or large glass. I'd seen people sipping from puny cups, so I requested a large glass, thinking I'd receive a pint. I was distressed when he returned with a liter of Carlsberg. Imagine my chagrin when I saw the check- 22 euros for the beer and 8 euros for my companion's hot chocolate! I considered throttling the waiter or making a dash for it. Instead, I laughed like a madman as I spent the next hour drinking the world's most expensive beer. I am an idiot.

Pardon

2011-03-23T13:53:00.002-05:00

I bought into the lie. French people are rude. They hate Americans. I discovered on my first trip to the country last week that the stereotype simply isn't true. Almost all of my encounters with the friendly, polite and attractive people of France were positive. Sure, it's easy to laugh at their foibles- check out this view of the traffic circle surrounding the Arc de Triomphe- but I'm completely smitten.

Greasy Coat

2011-03-22T08:00:00.006-05:00

I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't wear a greasy coat. As if to shame me, the line from the traditional American folk song ran through my head as I traipsed across Europe this month. I sampled Belgian beer in Bruges and Brussels. I sipped French wine in Paris. (So much for my Lenten pledges.) If I had encountered a coffee shop in Amsterdam that wasn't operated and frequented by wretched lotus-eaters, I might have even smoked. As for my coat, I'm afraid it became rather greasy as I crawled under a turnstile in a Paris subway station. Tell your ma. Tell your pa. I'm that boy from Arkansas.

It's the Real Thing

2011-03-09T09:50:00.004-06:00

The imposition of ashes is one of my favorite religious ceremonies. It's the 46 days of abstinence that's far less appealing. Even so, I insist on challenging myself. Once I gave up soda. I'd been ritualistically drinking three cans a day for years. My head stopped hurting after the first week. I don't miss it.

Noodling

2011-03-03T12:47:00.006-06:00

People mistakenly think I'm joking when I suggest meeting at McDonald's, Arby's or Subway for lunch. I just can't stand the thought of paying ten or more dollars for a midday meal. The belated arrival of Noodles & Company in Kansas City helps solve that problem. A solid lunch costs just a couple dollars more than far less appealing offerings elsewhere.

Sponge

2011-03-01T08:18:00.004-06:00

I try to keep my head down in public. Once in a while I even succeed in not butting in to other people's business. At gas stations, however, I just can't control myself. Even though my vehicle is covered in rust and duct tape, I always wash my windows. When I see able-bodied passengers sitting in a car as an exhausted driver pumps gas, I'm compelled to call out the sluggards. That rarely goes well.

Get Out of Dodge

2011-02-24T09:42:00.002-06:00

I watched a bit of a television broadcast from Lawrence last night. A few of my associates fretted about how a national audience would perceive my home state. I really don't care. Perhaps perversely, I take great pleasure in the mild shock value associated with Kansas. "Where am I from?" I proudly respond to queries as I travel. "I'm from Kansas!" It gets 'em every time.

A La Carte

2011-02-17T10:21:00.002-06:00

In a harried rush during my first visit to Tapatio, I fumbled through the ridiculously large menu and ordered the first item that caught my eye. Big mistake. My food was fine, but as I left the restaurant I noticed that its more discerning customers were dining in style. I spotted a gorgeous cucumber-based salad, a full plate of oysters and a mouth-watering skirt steak. I really need to learn how to slow down.

The Big Thaw

2011-02-15T08:49:00.003-06:00

That was unpleasant. I've been suffering from a seemingly unshakable virus for weeks. My watermelon-sized noggin alternately spun and ached. Just as only the deepest piles of snow will remain after today's welcome warm-up, the persistent bug that's tormented me is almost eradicated. It's good to feel human again.

The F-Word

2011-02-12T11:16:00.003-06:00

Family members use it. Restaurant critics abuse it. Even my favorite basketball coach utters it during interviews. I involuntarily grit my teeth and clench my fists every time I encounter the f-word. I'm driven half mad, consequently, that the word is part of the name of Foo's F-Word Frozen Custard, the default daytime meeting spot in my neighborhood. The affronts don't end there- the establishment claims its lunches are "yummylicious."

Wreck of the Old '94

2011-02-09T17:28:00.003-06:00

I could have died last night. My '94 Honda gave out as I was headed west on a busy highway. I survived. My rusty but trusty companion might not be so fortunate. I'm going miss her.

Green Around the Gills

2011-02-07T12:06:00.004-06:00

How sick have I been the past few days? Too sick to leave home. Too sick to cook. Too sick to do dishes. Too sick to drink beer. Too sick to listen to music. I'm feeling much better now, thanks.

Bête Noire

2011-02-04T10:22:00.007-06:00

I'm currently reading a dense history of France. It's engrossing, in part because I'm embarrassingly unfamiliar with much of the material. (How is it possible that I'd never heard the incredible story of Heloise and Abelard?) Even so, for the first time in my life, I'm wholly unsatisfied with the printed page. This passage represented the final straw:

In his chateau on the Loire, he lived openly with his beautiful mistress, Agnes Sorel of the legendary and much-painted breasts, known as la dame de beaute...

I apologize for being such a despicable 21st-century pig, but that's instant put-the-book-down-in-favor-of-Google Image stuff. All historical references, ideally, should offer instant access to further investigation. I guess I need to start saving my pennies for an iPad.

Accumulation

2011-02-01T15:29:00.002-06:00

Best snowstorm ever.

Loathe

2011-01-27T14:46:00.002-06:00

Everything about this is most unfortunate.

I'm Down With O.P.P.

2011-01-23T16:51:00.003-06:00

I intend to live the remainder of my life free of the responsibilities of pet ownership. I don't want to deal with the hassles associated with caring for animals. Other people's pets are another matter. This cat, for instance, is one of my best friends. And I'll never have to clean her litter box.

Waiting for the U.F.O.s

2011-01-20T15:32:00.002-06:00

Western Kansas' wind farms supply a visual feast for attraction-starved travelers. I recently discovered that their appearance is even more interesting at night. The turbines emit synchronized red flashes that alert human and alien aircraft of their presence.

Hot Tamale

2011-01-17T14:40:00.002-06:00

Perhaps the best aspect of being ~~a fatty~~ an epicurean is the opportunity to fall in love several times a day. Reyna's Mexican Bakery on Kansas Avenue represents my latest fling. The fruit-filled pastries are very good, but it's the tamales that make my heart sing.

Gates and Pineapple

2011-01-13T10:33:00.002-06:00

I recently discovered the ultimate flavor combination- pineapple and Gates' "Classic" brand barbecue sauce. Although I enjoy the direct dipping of pineapple slices, I recognize that some diners might consider that approach a little extreme. I've found that the tandem works best when used with other ingredients. I recommend substituting Gates for guacamole in tortilla-style wraps with rice, ham, vegetables and pineapple. Delicious!

Historic Outhouse

2011-01-10T18:50:00.002-06:00

I recently broke up the tedium of a cross-Kansas trek with a visit to the Tallgrass Prairie National Reserve. As it was too cold to chase down the park's small herd of buffalo, I contented myself with appreciating a rancher's handsome three-hole outhouse. After all, the family that... (Meesha documented the charms of the Flint Hills in a more elaborate post a few months ago.)

Cupcake

2011-01-07T11:07:00.003-06:00

My inner ninny emerged as I took a serious look at a potential new home this morning. I didn't like the way the homeless guys on the sidewalk sized me up. The streets around here aren't plowed when it snows? That's simply unacceptable. And horror-of-horrors- there's almost no closet space! I am such a milksop.

Half Shell

2011-01-04T08:08:00.003-06:00

I'm rather partial to Jazz restaurant at 39th & State Line. It's certainly not the chain's misleading name that keeps me coming back. Nor is it nostalgia for Jimmy's Jigger, the semi-legendary institution once housed at the same location. The Cajun food is fine, but the menu isn't the primary draw either. The restaurant's clientele is what makes it unique. Jazz is one of the few public places in Kansas City that attracts people from almost every walk of life. It's unfortunate that such a simple proposition remains so rare. Until that changes, you'll find me at Jazz.

Picture Book

2010-12-30T17:43:00.005-06:00

As a child I often marveled at the city scenes depicted in picture books. Images of holiday panoramas were particularly captivating. Did such picturesque places really exist? I'd never seen anything of the sort. Last week, however, I discovered that much of a block on 63rd Street in Brookside resembled the charming illustrations that colored my childhood. Several storefronts were ingeniously decorated. Thanks to the shopkeepers' creativity, I can now live (a bit) happily ever after.

Pegged

2010-12-28T10:34:00.003-06:00

I'm pretty certain that people don't go to Pegah's Family Restaurant for the food. The fried chicken and green beans I ate at the Shawnee restaurant last week resembled elementary school cafeteria fare. Instead, customers frequent the diner to nurture their relationships with the personable staff. I had to wait five minutes to pay my tab as an elderly couple exchanged heartfelt holiday greetings with the cashier. It was just as sweet as it was annoying.

Fogo Fire

2010-12-24T16:54:00.004-06:00

My Christmas present to myself was a December 24 meal at Fogo de Chao on the Plaza. While I'm fairly certain that spending over thirty dollars on lunch guarantees that I'll spend eternity in Hell, I've rarely eaten better.

Transition Game

2010-12-21T15:03:00.004-06:00

From an early age I knew that the single most meaningful thing I could do to make my extended family proud would be to play basketball for the University of Kansas. Well, I'm two or three inches shy of six feet and my vertical leap was never more than twenty-four inches. I'm a failure. Because it's in my blood, however, I continue to participate in the ritual. I was in the building last weekend when Josh Selby lived out my fantasy.

561-1580

2010-12-17T17:27:00.003-06:00

I'm not joining the "Save Streetside Records KCMO" movement on Facebook. It's not that I want the record store to close. I toiled at 4128 Broadway as a clerk and as an outside sales rep for years. But a series of events that I usually try to keep suppressed led to a stint as a stooge for the CEO of TWMC, the current owners of the shop. Under orders from my superiors, I knowingly engaged in regrettable behavior just to stay on the payroll and in the industry. It's a little late in the game for me to issue an apology or to pretend that I'm a paragon of pure intentions.

(Original image of a different retailer by Happy In Bag.)

All New Everything

2010-12-14T07:53:00.004-06:00

Fresh paint. Electrical outlets designed for the appliances of today. No musty basements. I covet the attributes of a new housing development in North Kansas City. The "neotraditional" row homes just north of the shadow of downtown's skyline are spiffy. Authenticity is overrated.

X Marks the Spot

2010-12-09T09:53:00.004-06:00

Don't judge me by the contents of this blog, the shoes I wear or my resume. If you really want to know me, visit Red X in Riverside. I've been frequenting the combination grocery, liquor store, flea market and Americana museum since I was a child. It's a physical representation of the circuitry inside my head.

Judgment Day

2010-12-06T14:21:00.003-06:00

I get paid to write about music. It's my dream. Part of the gig, however, involves my willingness to put other people down. While I'm not as tactful as most of my peers, I take no pleasure in that part of the process. I accept that criticism will occasionally come back at me. I wasn't surprised, consequently, when a friend informed me that the highest-rated radio personality in Kansas City called me out by name this morning.

Kid's Love' em!

2010-12-02T14:25:00.002-06:00

As various editors can attest, I'm not a grammar nerd. The proper application of words and punctuation is an ongoing challenge for me. While I'm reluctant to mock the errors of others, I just had to share this outlandish sticker I found on a package of cookies.

Carol Chaos

2010-11-28T14:01:00.003-06:00

I usually prefer to watch the annual Plaza lighting ceremony from a safe distance, but this year I thought it might be fun to position myself in the middle of the throng on Thanksgiving evening. What a bad decision! Perhaps instigated by Dave Stephens' annoying banter about "Gleeks" and a rendition of the insufferable "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" (read the New York Times' account), fights broke out around me in the short-tempered crowd. Not in the mood for a brawl, I sought sanctuary on a peaceful rooftop.

You Don't Need a Weatherman

2010-11-24T14:15:00.002-06:00

The biggest celebrities in Kansas City are television weathermen. Most locals, myself included, probably wouldn't recognize Matt Cassel or Michael Stern if they passed them on the street. Gary Lezak, on the other hand, is the subject of a downtown window display. I'm hardly the first person to note this peculiar phenomenon. I suspect it just as much to do with our agrarian roots as it does with our distance from Hollywood.

Beardo

2010-11-20T12:41:00.003-06:00

As my appearance reflects, I avoid mirrors. I don't like to be reminded that I'm no longer eighteen. So I was startled this week at the realization that my beard is quickly migrating upward. Thick whiskers have sprouted on my upper cheekbones. If the pattern continues, my beard will merge with my lower eyelashes next September.

Drugged

2010-11-16T11:25:00.005-06:00

A small strip mall in my neighborhood housed a thrift shop, a veterinary clinic and a restaurant. It was recently demolished to make way for a pharmacy. Three legal drug outlets are now within walking distance of my home. I'm almost afraid to step outside.

Dry

2010-11-14T15:33:00.002-06:00

I don't touch alcohol between Halloween and Thanksgiving. The self-imposed rule allows me to lose a pants size or two and lets me bounce out of bed every morning with a spring in my step. I find that I only long for a beer at the end of a particularly taxing day. That's good to know. When I open a refrigerator in November, it's not a bottle of Boulevard that tempts me. A carton of premium eggnog, however, is constantly calling my name.

Bank Owned Real Estate

2010-11-12T11:53:00.001-06:00

Earlier this week I visited a friend in Stilwell, Kansas. Are there ever some handsome estates in the distant suburb! This distressed mansion is "Bank Owned Real Estate." I could host a Chiefs game on the property or maintain a herd of deer. And best of all, my nearest neighbor would be out of the range of fire. A quick look at the area's real estate listings put an abrupt end to my daydream.

The Three Rs

2010-11-10T07:39:00.002-06:00

It's undoubtedly an imperfect approach to a life-altering decision, but many people, myself included, live where we do for one reason. We study standardized test scores and select a home within the boundaries of the most successful public schools. When administrators tinker with the system because of budgetary demands or changing demographics, residents panic. Without this concern for education, after all, we'd probably live in midtown.

Partial to Porton

2010-11-08T12:20:00.006-06:00

I once was offered an attractive job by a company based in Houston. In an effort to decide if I should relocate, I composed a typical list of pros-and-cons. Food ranked among the top five reasons I should make the move. Houston's vast sprawl contains a dizzying array of restaurants offering food from around the world. I fantasized about being warmly greeted as a familiar friend as I entered any number of nondescript but excellent strip mall establishments. I passed on the job and the company went out of business soon after. Yet all is not lost. I found a Houston-style spot near my home in Johnson County. The gregarious waitress at the small Venezuelan establishment El Porton Cafe is delightful. The restaurant isn't cheap, but hey, friendship is priceless.

In Park

2010-11-04T14:02:00.004-05:00

Kansas City's airport may be drab and boring, but it's easy. I'll take it over the relatively glamorous hassles on tap at O'Hare and DFW. Still, I'm annoyed by the recent change in short-term parking fees. There used to be a grace period (was it 30 or 60 minutes?) of free parking. The new plan costs $1 for up to 30 minutes, $3 up to an hour, then $6 for up to two hours. When greeting people at KCI, I now have to make an unpleasant set of cost-risk calculations.

Pushing the Poll

2010-11-02T09:27:00.003-05:00

Outraged by a negative campaign advertisement I saw last week, I was compelled to vote early at Metcalf South Shopping Center. The advance voting process, entirely new to me, came as a revelation. I'll no longer mock the conspiracy theory hysteria about the alleged rigging of elections. Armed with a name, address and birthdate, anyone can place a vote for another registered voter of the same sex and approximate age. A motivated, organized and unscrupulous candidate could garner a few hundred extra votes through the lax process.

Prioritizing Puppies

2010-10-29T10:45:00.002-05:00

I feed birds, cheer for my neighborhood fox and smile when I spot cats on the prowl in my backyard. That behavior, I'd like to think, is relatively normal. What strikes me as strange, however, is the intense devotion people have to the area's many animal advocate groups. A disproportionate number of benefit events, including this "doggy trick-or-treat" fundraiser, raise money for animal shelters. A tremendous amount of energy has been invested in the anti-"puppy mill" initiative on the ballot in Missouri. I'm reluctant to pick on nice people attempting to do nice things, but I'm still compelled to question our society's priorities.

You Got No Manners

2010-10-27T16:29:00.002-05:00

Blaming Biden

2010-10-25T09:28:00.002-05:00

I blame Biden. My cursing has to be directed at someone while I'm hopelessly mired in traffic. The Vice President is my target of choice. I recall Biden's boasts of economic progress in June of 2009 when he announced that so-called stimulus funds were earmarked for highway construction along 435 between Metcalf and I-35. Maybe one day I'll praise the results of the work, but it was difficult to be anything but frustrated as it took thirty minutes to drive three miles as the sun set last Saturday.

No Leaning on Lenin

2010-10-21T12:53:00.003-05:00

My favorite public sculpture is Cloud Gate in Chicago's Millennium Park. I love the way people freely interact with the enormous reflective object. The new outdoor installation at The Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art possesses a bit of Cloud Gate's communal potential. The intriguing Gao Brothers piece exudes a similar sort of silvery gleam. Yet the manicured lawn that buffers it from the sidewalk strongly implies that the sculpture is to be admired only from a distance. Hands off, comrade.

B Double E Double R U N

2010-10-19T08:30:00.002-05:00

I broke one of my fundamental rules Saturday. Under no circumstances am I to ever drink beer under a hot sun. Beerfest made me pay for my misconduct. Oh, it was fun enough. The long line to enter the sold-out event in Kansas City, Kansas, aside, there was plenty of beer to go around. I sampled over a dozen brews "two ounces at a time" while talking trash with a couple friends. My ambitious plans for the rest of the day evaporated when I was subsequently compelled to sleep for several hours.

Could Chuck Wood

2010-10-17T08:56:00.003-05:00

Was I hallucinating? My first visit to Woodyard Bar-B-Que was so disorienting that I'm still not sure my eyes and taste buds could be trusted. The establishment is impossibly strange. Loaded with random knickknacks, the ramshackle joint resembles an abandoned movie set. Children bounced on a trampoline across Merriam Lane. A cat patrolled the combination parking lot/junkyard to the south. A freaky musician who may or may not have been Sterling Witt warbled on a makeshift patio. Its remarkable smoked meats aside, Woodyard's offerings were not much better than the food I prepare in my own kitchen. The unique experience Woodyard offers, however, makes me feel as if I just found a new home.