Who Won the Beer Drinking Contest?

Although I’ve attended hundreds of professional baseball games, yesterday was my first experience with opening day. I knew it would be festive; I didn’t realize it was a glorified beer drinking contest.

Chiefs games aside, I’ve never seen so many sloppy drunks during daylight. This photo is of a line for a portable toilet in the parking lot a full hour before the game. (All of these people were perfectly sober and did not participate in the antics detailed below.) Bathroom lines inside the stadium grew so long that some people left Kauffman Stadium early to find relief for their bladders and from $7.00 beers.

The pre-game ceremonies weren’t exclusively about Budweiser. Buck O’Neil received a heartier ovation than any Royals player. Old school fans were treated to introductions of retired players like Bill Pecota, John Mayberry and George Brett. Actor Chris Cooper, the subject of an embarrassingly excessive two-minute introduction on the video screen, threw out the first pitch. Country star Sara Evans competed with a B-2 flyover and Challenger the stunt eagle as she crooned the national anthem.

The anemic Royals offense gave fans additional incentive to drown their disappointment.

There was solid competition in the contest for most inebriated fan. I almost went with the besotted gals who mercilessly taunted two nearby toddlers until their family gave up and left in the fourth inning. The carousers who vomited at they staggered to their cars deserve consideration for their dramatic efforts. But the award goes to a blonde so shellacked that she required a golf cart to get back to her boyfriend’s car. The pie-eyed gal then began throwing dollar bills at the open windows of nearby cars.

Go Royals!