I'm Considering a Move To L.A.

Not really.

It’d be an easy decision if I had unlimited resources. I’d buy a home on the beach just north of Santa Monica. Of course, I’d require both a driver and a helicopter pad. Alas, reality intervenes. Here are my notes from the past week in Los Angeles.

Here’s why I love L.A.:

*Economics. Employment opportunities for my "skills" are plentiful in Los Angeles.

*Vitality. Kansas City is safe but sleepy. Los Angeles is electric with energy.

*Beaches. As if sun and surf weren’t enough, spots like Huntington Beach are teeming with Veela.

*Food. Who needs tablecloths when the world’s best food can be had in every strip mall for well under ten dollars? Burritos, cheeseburgers, curries, wat- I’d be even fatter in L.A.

*People. Los Angeles is like a virtual United Nations utterly indifferent to each other’s differences. It makes you realize how backwards race relations are in Kansas City.

*Weather. Seasons are nice. But I’ll trade both spring and fall just to escape this Midwestern blast furnace.

*Flora. The fact that hibiscus is used as a pedestrian landscaping shrub delights me.

Here’s why I hate L.A.:

*Traffic. Intolerable.

*Housing. How can people afford homes that cost three to six times as much as they do in Kansas City? And rent is two to three times higher than it is here. It’s one thing if you’re a Hollywood mogul; it’s quite another if you’re a bus driver.

*Unsightly. With the exception of the hills and the beaches, the Los Angeles area is just plain ugly.

*Odor. Los Angeles smells like rotting fruit.