First We Take Panera

I’m considering becoming a soccer hooligan.

Yesterday’s Champion’s League Final, one of the world’s biggest sporting events, inspired me. Barcelona beat Arsenal in a nasty game in Paris. (Not that the Star bothered to cover it with more than a one-inch box score.)

A couple things must transpire before I can commit to this new life. First, the United States must make a good showing at this summer’s World Cup. Major League Soccer is still considered to be a second-tier league; I’m not prepared to change the course of my life for the equivalent of the Kansas City T-Bones. Secondly, the Wizards must relocate to a new stadium in Johnson County.

That’s when the insanity begins.

I’ll lead a band of disaffected paunchy men and angry soccer moms on game-day rallies. When those namby-pamby Columbus Crew fans come to town we’ll be ready for them. We’ll take all the donuts from their continental breakfasts at the Hampton Inn! We’ll put Wizards stickers on their rental cars! They’ll beg for mercy.

And Johnson County has never seen the likes of the riots we’ll have after each Wizards game. First, we’ll take Panera- we’ll demand extra onions on our turkey artichoke Panini sandwiches! Then we’ll hit Starbucks, where we’ll force the staff to take off that sissy Norah Jones music. That’s right- we Wizards fans love to crank up Sheryl Crow.

Are you with me? Heck yeah!