Happy In Bag's Rock Festival Rules

As usual, I had a good time at Rockfest. Still, things would have been even better if some of my fellow concertgoers had applied just a little more common sense. With several big outdoor events still to come this summer- they include Kid Rock and Lynyrd Skynyrd, Warped Tour and Summer Jam II- I thought it might be helpful if I posted ten tips from a veteran's perspective.

1. Don't drink alcohol if you're going to be spending hours broiling under direct sunlight. Wait until sunset. Didn't you learn anything in high school?

2. Expect to get kicked in the head by a crowd surfer if you stand near the stage.

3. Bring suntan lotion and hand sanitizer.

4. Carefully check that patch of grass for vomit before sitting down.

5. Don't photograph immodest women. It's creepy.

6. I know you're eager to shove people, but please don't hurt innocent bystanders while rushing toward the mosh pit.

7. That's quite a whistle. Do it in my ear again and you'll be in a dentist's chair tomorrow.

8. Let the guy in the wheelchair through.

9. Unless they're personal acquaintances, don't disturb passed out and vomiting people. They'll be fine.

10. Beware the fat man. He will knock you down.

(This image was captured at the Kansas City Symphony's Celebration At the Station and obviously has no relationship whatsoever to this post.)

Let's Not Make Way For Ducklings

Forget about the mayoral recall, the economic recession and the Royals' cold streak. The Kansas City area is facing a more immediate crisis. The Canadian goose problem is completely out of hand. Earlier this week I watched this flock stop rush hour traffic on Main Street near The Plaza. That's just not acceptable. I implore my fellow drivers to simply mow down these revolting pests.

The Once and Future K

I like the renovated Kauffman Stadium. Finally being able to walk completely around the venue is liberating. It's a blast to shower in the fountains. The completed scoreboard is incredible. Watching footraces in the playground area is mesmerizing. While I captured images of all those things during the Royals' game yesterday, I'm compelled to post this snapshot of George Brett's backside.

Memorial

The Kansas City Symphony's annual Celebration At the Station concert gets better every year. (And 2008 was great.)

Back In the Day

It bugs me when people trot out the cliche "the child is father to the man." My irritation, however, doesn't make the phrase any less true. I used to see The Del Fuegos at Parody Hall and The Lone Star a quarter of a century ago. Today, a member of that roots-rock band, Dan Zanes, will sing novelty songs for kids at Jiggle Jam. Here's my review of a Saturday show at the festival.

Celebrity Dining

It hurts to admit it- my friends were right. Associates have long insisted that Blue Koi is one the best restaurant groups in Kansas City. Although I set out to prove them wrong, my recent experience at the new Leawood location was nothing short of spectacular. Outside of dim sum at Bo Ling's, Blue Koi's creative kitchen staff served up the best Chinese-based meal I've had in this town. I'm late to the party. My fellow diners included local celebrities and the power elite.

Shovel Ready

It's unlikely that tearing up every twentieth intersection in northern Johnson County is what our new president had in mind when he advocated for "shovel-ready" construction projects. Perhaps there's a good reason that many of the same locations are dug up every twelve months. Most look like make-work schemes to me. This custom sign so baffled an elderly driver yesterday that he blocked traffic for a full minute as he contemplated its implications.

The Hounds of Heck

I don't comprehend the dithering about the necessity of culling the deer population at an area park. Are we really that soft? My frustration is exacerbated by another varmint infestation. Thousands of rabbits are underfoot. Thankfully, I have an easy solution. I propose that all dog owners not feed their pets for a day or two and that a brief moratorium on leash laws be enacted. The rabbit problem will be gone in no time. If any lap dogs are lost in the process, well, that's just a bonus.

Big Pimpin'

Why can't time make an exception for me? Only now do I feel that I'm finally beginning the process of becoming the person I'm meant to be. I'm ever so close to attaining a youthful, comparatively relaxed mental state. It feels good. But the cruel clock just keeps on ticking as my body continues its inevitable decay. Just look at me. At least I have these sweet headphones.

In Park

As someone who spends a lot of time in public parks, I was riveted by Alice Thorson's recent analysis of photographer Mike Sinclair's City Beautiful project. I use baseball diamonds and open fields for sports. I also love to fish and watch birds. Of Missouri's parks, I visit Loose and Swope (above) most frequently. Other locations across the state line are handier, but I get creeped out by the many people who just sit in their parked cars glaring at passerby.

Grandes Exitos

This entry marks the fourth year in which I've noted my enormous appreciation of Fiesta KC. With all due respect to the organizers of the massively successful Irish festival, Fiesta KC is easily my favorite annual music and culture event in Kansas City. Seeing cumbia legend Fito Olivares last night filled me with joy.

She's Going To Fly Away

She watches me as I use the toilet. I study her as I shave. Our intimate spring fling is undeniably kinky. Still, I know it's not going to last. She's beautiful, but we have nothing in common. And because we don't even speak the same language, I can't confront her about the children. I have a really bad feeling that I'm not the father.

Soap

I'm a obsessive-compulsive fastidious hand washer. So before I sat down to dine at a modest new establishment last week, I hit the men's room. There was no soap. Even in the pre-swine flu era, that was a deal-breaker for me. Besides, chips and donuts from a nearby gas station aren't so bad.

Better Than I Deserve

I wasn't among the thousands of people who flocked to Kemper Arena on Saturday for a "Total Money Makeover" seminar. While I generally like Dave Ramsey's philosophy, I could have saved everyone a lot of time. Here's the entire message: "Don't spend money you don't have." That's it. Have a safe drive home.

And... Action!

The idea struck me as I dined at Dixon's Chili Parlor. Not only would this semi-legendary joint make for a great movie set, I happen to know hundreds of other spots in the Kansas City area that are tailor-made for film. A Google search reveals that "Location Scout" is an actual job title. I've finally found my true calling.